Tuesday 23rd July 2013

This is the third blog that I have, am creating. I tend to decide I'm going to make a big effort, like it's going to be a big thing that I'm going to start doing and be dedicated to when I'm at a crosssroads with myself, stuck in a daze.

I always write that I'm not going to put any pressure on myself, that I'll try and write one post every day and try and keep it up. The problem is, even as a child, I have always come up with these grand ideas that I'm going to start doing something, a hobby for example and that it is going to be something that I keep or continue to do for the rest of my life; something that'll possibly even define me, make me interesting, make be somebody. The truth is, I never stick to it. I remember getting a small stain glass window-piece and saying to myself "I am going to hold on to this forever. I will start a huge collection of these little things." That's gone.

 I'm currently in the process of applying for jobs, as I've just finished uni, but lacking both motivation and confidence in the whole thing. You know that feeling when you want to turn your life around, do and be something new or simply just be a little more exciting? Well that's me. All over. I wish I was more driven and productive a lot more of the time, but at the moment I can't seem to get out of this hole of laziness and unmotivatedness (if that's even a word?). I don't hate my life but sometimes I do feel very alone, very unoriginal; that I don't have much going on in my life, when really I do. Maybe it's more of a need or desire that I need to make more happen, make my own fun in my life and it's probably up to me to do that. It's like I'm waiting for something or things to come along, and until then I'll just sit back and wait for it to happen. I want to change that, but I'm not sure how. I want to start my life but I'm not sure what I really want to do, what I really want to be and ultimately I don't want to make the wrong decision.

I guess when it comes down to it, as much as I don't want to admit it, I'm scared of so many things in life and it seems the list is ever increasing. I want to grab life and everything that comes with it with both hands and enjoy it to its fullest, but this fear inside me also stops me from taking those risks. It may be my fear of death and losing things and the people I love that makes me scared of life, which I guess is kind of counterproductive and ironic. I want to change this, the only obstacle now, is how?